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Well... I got to see that transformers movie.
Jesus fucking Christ on a pogo stick this movie sucked massive nasty rancid diseased donkey dick.
I never watched Transformers when it first aired in the US. By 1984 when the show began to air in the American market, I was a junior in high school and was no longer watching Saturday morning cartoons. In fact, this new wave of 80's cartoon/toy nostalgia is meaningless to me because I loathed the trend of making 30 minute toy line commercials in the guise of kids' animated programming, and I avoided them. Like Gargoyles and Dungeons & Dragons, I did not see any of these until after I was an adult, and they shows were so poorly written, so badly acted, so awful in every way, I could not, and still do not understand, their appeal, other than pure childhood nostalgia.
Not even my own nostalgia is immune to this: last year we bought a used copy of the first season of Superfriends, a show that I was entirely enamored with when it first aired, when I was watching Saturday morning cartoons, and I could not make it past episode one. Not even the camp factor of the show could sustain it. It, like the 80's cartoons, were just plain awful.
So my viewing of the new live action Transformers movie comes not with a heavy load of nostalgic baggage, like so many people I know, but entirely from an outside view. Having never seen much more than a few episodes, but familiar enough with the mythos to not be lost, I can, I think, give an honest opinion of the movie as just that: a movie.
It is absolutely awful: poorly written, badly acted (except for Shia LeBouf), with gaping wounds for plot holes you could ram Optimus Prime's metal cock through and still have room for his come-hitcher tractor trailer.
A two-and-a-half-hour military blowed up real good piece of junk. This movie is a terrible waste of time, money and resources.
I know it's probably expecting too much from a movie based on a line of toys, but could someone have applied some logic to this story, such as it is? I mean, the logic and intelligence gaps in this film are astoundingly gigantic.
The only decent thing about the movie are the giant robots themselves. Obviously, more money was spent on the robot special effects, the transformations and the design, than on writing, skill, plot, character development or, well, anything else except maybe explosives.
I definitely know it's asking too much of Michael Bay, the talentless hack who has such a boner for cars and blowing stuff up and who has spent his entire career gushing cars, tits and blowing shit up on screen and raking in millions doing so.
In the hands of anyone else, this might have been a decent flick. As it stands, it's only slightly better than Ghost Rider. Which, if I had to see over again, I'd kill myself first.
At 2 hours and 38 minutes, it's 2 hours and 8 minutes too long. The entire last hour is nothing but a continuous series of explosions, destruction and mayhem with no logic, no point and no intelligent thought behind any of it.
It reminded me of that episode of Robot Chicken, the one where Optimus Prime gets prostate cancer and dies, where they have the line "Yay! We defeated the Decepticons and only killed 50 humans in the process!" Only nobody really died except most of the Decepticons and one lonely Autobot, Jazz, who gets torn in half.
One of the worst movies I have ever seen.
Jesus fucking Christ on a pogo stick this movie sucked massive nasty rancid diseased donkey dick.
I never watched Transformers when it first aired in the US. By 1984 when the show began to air in the American market, I was a junior in high school and was no longer watching Saturday morning cartoons. In fact, this new wave of 80's cartoon/toy nostalgia is meaningless to me because I loathed the trend of making 30 minute toy line commercials in the guise of kids' animated programming, and I avoided them. Like Gargoyles and Dungeons & Dragons, I did not see any of these until after I was an adult, and they shows were so poorly written, so badly acted, so awful in every way, I could not, and still do not understand, their appeal, other than pure childhood nostalgia.
Not even my own nostalgia is immune to this: last year we bought a used copy of the first season of Superfriends, a show that I was entirely enamored with when it first aired, when I was watching Saturday morning cartoons, and I could not make it past episode one. Not even the camp factor of the show could sustain it. It, like the 80's cartoons, were just plain awful.
So my viewing of the new live action Transformers movie comes not with a heavy load of nostalgic baggage, like so many people I know, but entirely from an outside view. Having never seen much more than a few episodes, but familiar enough with the mythos to not be lost, I can, I think, give an honest opinion of the movie as just that: a movie.
It is absolutely awful: poorly written, badly acted (except for Shia LeBouf), with gaping wounds for plot holes you could ram Optimus Prime's metal cock through and still have room for his come-hitcher tractor trailer.
A two-and-a-half-hour military blowed up real good piece of junk. This movie is a terrible waste of time, money and resources.
I know it's probably expecting too much from a movie based on a line of toys, but could someone have applied some logic to this story, such as it is? I mean, the logic and intelligence gaps in this film are astoundingly gigantic.
The only decent thing about the movie are the giant robots themselves. Obviously, more money was spent on the robot special effects, the transformations and the design, than on writing, skill, plot, character development or, well, anything else except maybe explosives.
I definitely know it's asking too much of Michael Bay, the talentless hack who has such a boner for cars and blowing stuff up and who has spent his entire career gushing cars, tits and blowing shit up on screen and raking in millions doing so.
In the hands of anyone else, this might have been a decent flick. As it stands, it's only slightly better than Ghost Rider. Which, if I had to see over again, I'd kill myself first.
At 2 hours and 38 minutes, it's 2 hours and 8 minutes too long. The entire last hour is nothing but a continuous series of explosions, destruction and mayhem with no logic, no point and no intelligent thought behind any of it.
It reminded me of that episode of Robot Chicken, the one where Optimus Prime gets prostate cancer and dies, where they have the line "Yay! We defeated the Decepticons and only killed 50 humans in the process!" Only nobody really died except most of the Decepticons and one lonely Autobot, Jazz, who gets torn in half.
One of the worst movies I have ever seen.
